Nailed: The Onion reveals wind industry plot to change Earth's orbit

With characteristic bravado, America's foremost news source, The Onion, blew the whistle yesterday on a nefarious wind industry plot to destabilize the Earth's orbit by building “thousands of propellers” that “make things move.”

Relying on a group of impeccable sources including the “American Coal Lobby,” “some leading scientists at Coal University,” “the environmental activist group Americans for Mining-Based Energy,” “a recent Center for Coal Policy conference in the Bahamas” (do I detect a theme here?) and even an upcoming documentary film, “Terminal Gust,” a panel of experts unanimously agreed the danger is real and requires immediate action. As one panelist noted, “Wind slips through your fingers–it's dishonest!”

(One wind industry insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, told me, “We really weren't trying to destroy the Earth–we hoped we could steer it, and visit some of the closer stars. We could have opened up new worlds to humanity, and boldly gone where no one has gone before. But thanks to The Onion, our planet is stuck in the same old boring rut indefinitely. Curse them and their tireless investigative prying!”)

Get the full scoop here.

More thoughtful energy policy information:

Wind Reserves to Run Out by 2036, The Onion Radio News
Coal (mock commercial)